Think no more!
Redeemable Wherever Such Things Are
Void where prohibited, unless enforcement is lax or lame.
Tip o’ the hat to Slyeyes for the idear.
I have decided to make my discount superstore here imaginary.
So, at least this way, you can only trample one another’s ids on your way in to peruse my amazing bargains.
Please don’t become violent when I tell you that sarcasm is 93% off.
And I accidentally shot myself in the thigh.
I have a constitutional right to bear mustard, okay? First of all, do you know how hard it is to get mustard from a bear? Don’t tell me that a person shouldn’t use mustard after they’ve had a couple drinks. Don’t point at my pants and laugh your condescending little laugh, either.
And don’t, above all, tell me that mustard pants squirting is a felony in Indiana.
I will run Ford, GM, and Chrysler, for however long they last, for $1 salary. That’s a 67% savings from what those bogus CEOs are offering, right off the bat.
I just want whatever paltry bonus package they were backing that up with.
Last December? They can just do that?
What’s next? “Expert economists agree that Christobol did not, in fact, make it to 2nd base with Jenny Flurgle in 4th grade.”
Introducing the Hummer WindJammer, sporting up to 7 mpg on a blustery day.
What's Leaking?
Hopefully you managed to destroy a great deal of food and drink, as it sat there mocking you, belittling your threats of embibery, until finally it waved the white flag of gastrointestinal defeat.
Speaking of defeat, do the Lions feel they must be a symbol of their city’s woes?
Podunk, US - While the news blares more economic turmoil in the background, Judy Spooch bustles around her trailer, assembling packets of meth. To watch her work, one wouldn’t know a recession was afoot.
“Business is great,” she says, pausing to puff on a cigarette, even though she is surrounded by chemicals that could explode any second. “I don’t pay no mind to the TV. Just like the noise. Except for when America’s Next Top Idiot is on. I like that. My cousin was on it.”
Judy doesn’t strike one as an independant business woman with a savvy touch for guiding her company through difficult times, but her business, if anything, is growing. She’s even considering expansion.
“I’d love to move production to Joe’s trailer. He’s closer to the woods,” she says.
Does she have any advice for GM?
“I don’t know a whole lot about making cars,” Spooch allows. “But here’s what works for me: The first couple packets is free. You got to win your customer over, ya know? Not everybody is willing to spend their milk money on a bunch of toxic shit that will leave them in a pile of rags with no teeth. But if it’s free?”
Of course, it doesn’t stay free.
“After a couple weeks, they’ll sell their shoes for a packet.”
Still, in spite of such fierce customer loyalty, Judy pays attention to details.
“If one customer likes more fertilizer, I try to give them that. It’s not like I’m the only trailer making meth.”
Should GM follow suit?
“Make meth? I hope not! But if you’re talking about listening to customers, it’s worth a try. Why not give ‘em a Toyota? Those are good. Then after you’ve got them all hooked on dependable transportation that lasts for hundreds of thousands of miles, string ‘em out on an Impala.”
Could that work?
“Well, it helps if they’re stoned,” allows Spooch. “Maybe GM should send them to me.”
Good work over at CNN.
Update: They look like friendly folks, and I truly wish them the best. I think part of their problem may be that they’re missing the tops of their heads, which many scientists consider important.